Love and Sex

I would agree with your analysis samchick, which probably explains why I am marrying for the third time, this year... I''m obviously yearning for that ''completeness''.

However, that isn''t to say we can''t be happy without that relationship. As I said, I had 15 years between my first 2 marriages. My second marriage taught me a lot about what I thought I''d learned about myself after the first. It took me two goes at this to learn something everyone else probably already knew - who we form the relationship with is essential to that completeness. My first choice was very much on the ''hearts and flowers'' end of the spectrum. I was very young. My second was a more ''considered'' decision.. the problem was, I had considered my own needs but not factored his into the equation!

On balance, a relationship with someone that is not fulfilling is, to me, less complete than being single. Finding completeness alone? Sure, there is a facet of ourselves that does not get an opportunity to grow and flourish. But you know? I got the opportunity to develop facets of myself that would never have seen the light of day in those relationships.

jaymdee, I can relate.

Jeez it''s a complex thing...

Shezi

Hi samchik,

, but I wonder if the fundamental "requirement" for a romantic attachment figure can ever simply vanish.

At your age? Of course not.
It''s not psychology, it''s the instictive need to bond and breed,
It''s hardwired.
You can in the cases of some religious orders or aesthetics, learn to "control" it to a greater or lesser extent.

For older folk, companionship is important and most folk enjoy having a wife or husband and kids and grandkids down to visit.

It''s the same all around the world, ie it''s a natural human thing.

I went into hospital for a few days and came back to an empty house.
Nobody knew I had been and nobody knew I was back.
Nobody gave a toss.

Feels like shit.

LW

Interesting reading Samchick (and all the other posts for that matter). I lost both my parents several years ago and I often feel that I could do with them by my side right now. In fact I shed a tear this morning thinking about how isolated I feel not having them here. A lot is tied in with my son''s forthcoming wedding and knowing that my STBX will have his family there but I don''t have parents anymore so feel like a spare part.

In some ways I''m glad that I don''t yearn for a sexual relationship as I have seen several friends make a not very nice reputation for themselves with being so desperate. I would like to think that I can have that closeness and intimacy in the future but it will never, never, never be just sex. I would have liked nice cuddles and stuff with my STBX but any gesture of affection from me always got misinterpreted as wanting sex, so I think I became very cold and unphysical for a very long time. The longer it went on the worse it got - I ended up sleeping at the very edge of my side of the bed most nights.

This really has been a great thread and wonderful for knowing that we are not alone in our fears.

Big hugs to all of you.

Hi FB.

Furball wrote:

I, like some others, feel old and ugly (wouldn''t scare the horses but still wouldn''t attract them either). I also have almost no method of meeting anyone and can''t imagine Internet dating etc.

You shouldnt run yrself down like this FB. There is someone for everyone. You should listen to Ugly by sugababes. If you are ugly then so am I and so is everyone else. We are all the same.

You dont really need a method to meet someone. You just do. But you do need to get out to meet someone. You never know, yr man might be in yr life already. Or, he could about to be.

And the worse of all, because of my husbands activities that resulted in this situation, I just view the whole thought of sex as something dirty and degrading. I have no desire and no inclination, I find the whole thought of doing that again as horrid. This may change over time but I think by then it may be too late for me.

There is no need to condemn yrself to a life of a Nun. But its yr life and how you live it is up to you. Sex although is great fun (I think with the right person), is not for everyone and you actually dont need it. Its not like everything is gonna stop working now is it just because you dont have sex right?

Worry less, enjoy more. Just live yr life. And let things happen. If it will it will. C.

Hi LW.

leftwondering wrote:

I went into hospital for a few days and came back to an empty house.
Nobody knew I had been and nobody knew I was back.
Nobody gave a toss. LW

You knew. And you gave a toss. And you dont need anyone else to justify yr existence. You exist because you do. Thats it. The most important person to you should be you. Number one on the runway. Without you, there can never be things that you do or will do. So you have to be important. Never feel that you dont matter. U do. If only to yrself. C.

I totally get where you’re coming from, and I really admire your honesty. It’s not easy to admit how much mistrust can linger after a rough relationship, especially when it comes to sex and love. I also agree with the poster who said sex can make you smile all day—it really can, when it’s right and mutual. One thing I’ve been thinking about lately is how sexuality isn’t always fixed. It can shift, especially after big emotional experiences. That’s why I find tests like this one helpful: psycho-tests.com/test/sexual-orientation-test. It’s not about labels—it’s just a tool that can reflect where you are right now.