I have been seperated for over a year and I understand that in the first few months of seperation you can find yourself looking for some reassurance and security that you had in your marriage, but time makes so much difference and over a year on I am ready to divorce my husband, he is accepting of this, even though he didn't want a divorce.
We have been through the accusations, he has checked up on me and accused me of having relationships if I had any life at all. But this does pass, and the most important thing is to rediscover your true identity.
In the last few months I have laughed and lived so much more than I can remember, I am genuinely happy and my kids have passed the stressful times in the first year. I enjoy my own company.
However I am going to wait until my divorce is through before I settle into a relationship as I feel this is best for me, my ex, and my children, and my wider family.
I find that it is all my friends that would like me to settle down quickly, but now I feel in no rush, and I have rediscovered the real me, and I am enjoying a stage of my life that I thought had finished.
I think the correct answer, (or best advice!) is that you move on when you're ready to move on!
This doesn't have to be rammed down your ex's throat! You can have an intimate relationship descreetly! Nobody wants to see their ex with someone else. That's human nature.
One word of advice, as a lady that dated following my first divorce, I was aware that so many men were not ready to be in an emotionally 'well' space. They brought the chaos of 'what she said / what she wants' etc to a new clean potential relationship.
Take my advice: Don't bring your anger with your ex to a new table. Do not treat a 'date' as a counsilor, and never assume that the answer to your questions: Is between another womans legs!Or that she needs to have another woman in her aura.
There are dating web sites for people looking for their 'recreational' needs, and if you're not over your previous relationship, then I'd suggest stating that to any new girlfriends. (We woman, we like honesty! It doesn't usually mean we'll sleep with you!)... But it also means you won't be enetering yet another dysfunctional space, then ruining that.
I would like to thank everyone who has replied to my post. It really is a great comfort knowing there are so many people in similar situations out there.
Thanks for telling me i'm no idiot..the name just felt right as sometimes through all this i wonder..am i being an idiot..then i remember the last few years and think to myself that I know in my heart its the right thing to do, not only for me but for my child as well she is only young and i am sure she will adapt in time and get used to the new situation.
The advice in relation to not bringing baggage to the table in a new relationship does ring true as well, tho i have wanted to be honest with the person i have found as well.. i hasten to add that i met this person after i had decided to separate..for me the process has been made easier by having someone who i feel has given me something that has been missing from my life for so long..and that is simply care and attention.
Already I feel happier and liberated and suddenly know that i am somehow reinventing myself and turning into the person i know i can be and at the same time be a good dad. Im so glad i have found this website thanks again I know when i have problems in future i can share them on here and people will have answers..When i gain experience too I'll even be able to give advice back lol thanks again guys.
I just wanted to put in a concern about what has been said in this thread and elsewhere about how you don't need to cite particularly serious behaviour to get a divorce on the basis of unreasonable behaviour.
I know that it says on several solicitors' websites that you don't need to claim anything particularly serious, but I think this may vary according to the judge. My own solicitor has said several times that she knows of cases where the judge hs decided that the behaviour was not unreasonable enough and so has refused to grant the divorce. As a result, even in my own case using collaborative law (in which you agree the grounds before you go to court) we would have to cite something fairly serious. I do have serious grounds, as it happens, but was hoping not to have to invoke them and induce further anger in my ex.
This may be something she knows about a local judge, so may not apply more widely - but I think we have to be careful about assuming that you can cite more or less anything.