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Stayed for the kids - then got used to it

  • Smidge
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04 Sep 07 #2825 by Smidge
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Hi Vion - unbelievable how your situation mirrors my own! Been married 23 years also, though the last 6 years or so have been more a case of 'surviving' under the same roof. We have been living separate lives for several years now - socialising in different circles and separate bedrooms, and although i found this a miserable, stressful situation, we stayed together until the youngest finished 'A' levels this summer and is now leaving for university.
Like yourself we tried counselling about 6 years ago, but it only seemed to highlight the inadequacies of our relationship!
In January I made the decision that i was leaving in the summer, but worried about the detrimental effects that divorce can have on both immediate and extended family - whilst my husband and i no longer shared an intimate relationship, and had run out of meaningful converstaion, we were, and still are, on relatively good terms.
For that reason I approached a collaborative law solicitor who has been extremely supportive and respected both our wishes to keep the separation civilised, as far as is possible in these cases.
The process has been swift - we provided the respective solicitors with the necessary documentation, and met together for the first time last week. The 4-way disussion was honest and most helpful, and no actual 'blame' for the breakdown was sought for. Both viewpoints were heard and respected, and we agreed to a fair financial settlement that took account of the needs of both parties.
I have moved into rented accomodation for now, but the separation papers will be ready to sign in several weeks and a cut-off date for finanical settlement has been set for 8 - 12 weeks. The children (21 and 18) have obviously been aware of the problem for a few years now, and have given great support to both of us, something I'll always be thankful for.
I know the range of emotions you are going through right now, and the many worries and concerns that you probably have about taking 'drastic action', but I believe that life's too short to stick around in an unhappy marriage, and I'm now ready to move on. I really hope that you find the solution to your problems and soon start to feel happy again.
Take care, Smidge.

  • hawaythelads
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04 Sep 07 #2826 by hawaythelads
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Chris M.........mmmm that story sounds familiar.

  • gone1
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04 Sep 07 #2845 by gone1
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Jerseylass wrote:

Hi Chris
I'm just scared that at 45 i will be left on the shef again. When i split with my first it was 13 before i met the 'right' one and now its all gone pear shaped again. My best friend says i should stay single for a while and 'find myself' - that i dont need a man in my life ..... I just want some love and affection. is that too much to ask in this world.
I hope you eventually find what your looking for and remember ' every dog has its day' and 'what goes round, comes round'

Hu Pauline. I agree with your mate. You should find yourself again. For someone who did just that the 4 words are not enough to describe what this means. This is what it means to me. Your milage will vary.

What I found out is that we are all mixed up people. We are mixed up when we are with someone and mixed up when we are not. The two are different. Meet someone who has been on there own for a while and you will see what I mean.

To me it was important to change. I had a number of issues that I had sort out. This takes time changing habits that you have aquired over a number of years.

Also I had to sort out the whys and wherefores of my marriage. Not the divorce and stuff but the whys of what happned to me at the end. I had a lot to deal with and I did and sorted myself out. I am cool with myself now!!

I had to adjust to living on my own and doing all the stuff that I had not done since my student days.

I also had to make sure that if I met someone that I didnt have any emotional baggage and that I had time to repair myself. This can take ages and to be honest it never stops. I thought; right, in x amount of months I will be ok and not an emotional threat to anyone. Wrong. You carry the damage for life. Its always with you. But its upto you if it permanantly damamges you. Everyone is damamged in some way. The saying "that that dont destroy me makes me stronger" is I think true. For some people that is.

I have met lots of the "lost and the lonely" I dont want to go there so it was important to sort myself out. And largely I have. I am still bitter for what happned to me and I now know what its like to be on the recieving end of a sadistic mother and kids.

So I have learnt a lot and seen a lot.

One thing I can tell you are that there are loads and loads of people like us / you. The streets are litterd with broken hearts. There is someone for everyone and you have to find it. It wont come to you. To me the attitude "Love will find you" is totaly bullsh1t. Like everything in life you have to go an get it.

But take your time. Sort yourself out and when you are ready for your "love an affection" go look for it. You tend to find a lot of what you seek. But you need to seek it to find it. Ha ha. Chris.

  • Vion
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05 Sep 07 #2871 by Vion
Reply from Vion
Chris, I think that’s very enlightened, to set yourself on a path to repair yourself, rise above your emotional baggage, as far as you can, and make yourself stronger and a better partner for the elusive someone. I guess there is never a day when you say ‘I’m done’ – same as you’ve said. After all, what use are any of us to someone seeking love and affection, let alone ourselves, if we are carrying the biggest emotional baggage of all - the bitterness of what was dished out as the marriage failed? Good luck mate,

  • Vion
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05 Sep 07 #2872 by Vion
Reply from Vion
Hi Smidge – amazing the similarities, and more and more of them as I read your story; thanks. I have been truly heartened to know its working for you and there is light very near at the end of the tunnel, I can begin to can see myself there now. I have always believed ‘the glass is half full’ and so your comment “I believe that life's too short to stick around in an unhappy marriage, and I'm now ready to move on.” really struck a chord. I think its amazing how you have managed the situation, relationships, kids, momentous decisions, due process…. it’s certainly given me a framework of reference. Thanks again for sharing and the best of luck Smidge – please keep in touch.

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