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Defending

  • desi
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05 Jul 07 #1180 by desi
Topic started by desi
PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

Hi, i am new to this site and need help, i will explain my situation (its long please be patient) and hope you can advise me what will be best.

In May this year, my parents went away on holiday leaving myself and my wife at home together. I have been married to my wife two years and love her very much, i lived to make her happy and gave her everything she ever wanted. Our married life had been amazing, but since she started her new job in december she slowly became distant, the last two months she was very distant and i tried everything to find out why things had changed but could not find the reason. While my parents were away it was our 2nd anniversary, i returned from work about 5pm and placed a card and teddy bear i purchased for my wife on the table in the lounge with another cards that had come in the post, my wife returned from work after 7pm, we said our hello's and how are days were. She opened the cards and then went upstairs to our bedroom. I stayed in the lounge watching tv, around 8.30pm i recieve a call from my sister to say that she has recieved calls from family members and friends that my wife had called them earlier to say our mattiage was over. On hearing this i went to our bedroom to ask my wife what is going on? why are you telling people our marriage is over? and tell me whats changed so we can work it out? My wife behaved in a manner that i had never seen, she became very tempered and started shouting insults which i could not understand, after a few minutes when my wife stopped her verbal attack she said 'right you just hit me' and walked into the washroom and locked herself, leaving me standing wondering whats just taken place, i have just stood there trying to find out what's happening to our marriage and not made any contact with my wife and in return i get verbal abuse and accused of hitting my wife! I go down to the lounge, i am completely shattered and can not believe what the love of my life is doing to me. 15 minutes later two police officers arrive and take me to the police station for assualting my wife, i am in shock. I am put into a cell, in the middle of the night a officer enters the cell and tells me after speaking to my wife she also accuses me of raping her several times during marriage, I am now mentally destroyed. The next day i am questioned for hours and then released on bail around 8pm, on returning home i find my wife has left taking most of her possessions and some valuable items of my parents.
I recieve a letter from my wife's solicitors few days later stating that my wife will be instigating divorce proceedings. A week later she filles for a divorce.
My wife, the women i always treated as a princess tried to destoy me. This all happening while my parents were away so nobody will stop her taking belongings from the home, managing to find a solicitor and getting the solicitor to send me a letter within days of being arrested, filing for a divorce so quick and accusing me of such serious allegations was one big masterplan.

I have recieved a petition which stated many reasons for unreasonable behaviour, all beinfg false. I dont have a problem in giving my wife a divorce and understand i can respond by agreeing to the divorce but not agreeing with the reasons, which would be a cheaper option aswell, but two of the reasons in the petition are of assualt and rape, and i do not wish to sign anything which claims such serious allegations. I know my wife and she will show all her family and friends the petion and that i gave her a divorce and these were the reasons for divorce so i agreed i did them. I have asked her solicitor that i will give a divorce as long as the reasons of assualt and rape are removed but they dont wish to be civil.

What should i do?
Should i defend?
will i get justice or gain anything?
Will she have to prove her allegations?
Will i end up paying for her costs?

I am so confused by this whole thing, i believe if i get divorced it will be on real/truthful reasons, not lies and that nobody should be able to falsely accuse someone of assualt and rape to gain a quick divorce on unreasonable behaviour without proving her allegations are true. Please help/advise me.


In relation to the police investigations i am still on bail but have been told by the officier investigated the allegations that the case will soon be dropped as there is no evidence to back my wifes cliams.

I understand that defended divorces are expensive, but dont mind the expense if it will help me.

  • Princess Fiona
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05 Jul 07 #1185 by Princess Fiona
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TBH there's not much point in defending a divorce. You can just agree to divorce and state you disagree with the reasons cited.

  • LittleMrMike
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05 Jul 07 #1186 by LittleMrMike
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Dear Desi,

I can empathise with you because the same thing happened to me about 25 years ago. The difference was that my wife was ( and still is, although she's now my ex ) a paranoid schizophrenic and all her 'allegations ' were delusional. But they were so serious that I would have had no choice. I could have lost my job, my reputation, everything. But in the end it never came to that and we divorced two years later by consent.

Is it just possible that there is some medical reason for your wife's behaviour ? I had the same problem when I was visiting my ex about ten years ago. We are, surprisingly you might think, on good terms to this day. But I was invited into the bedroom, and same thing, she accused me of rape, an allegation which she later tearfully withdrew. I have never been anywhere near the bedroom since !! But I stress, my ex is a very sick woman. I can't find it in my heart to blame her.

But what's your wife up to ? If she wants to get out of the marriage she does not have to fabricate serious criminal allegations to do that. All she needs to do is to cobble together some stupid allegations and they go through on the nod and that's an end of it - your marriage, that is .

Is it possible that she thinks she can get a better divorce settlement out of you by fabricating this story and relying on your ' conduct ' ? You don't mention kids - if you have, she might allege that you are unfit to have contact with them.

I'm afraid, sir, mud sticks. Human nature what it is, people will think there's no smoke without fire. These allegations are too serious to ignore, but that's my view.

I'm afraid you have no choice but to see a solicitor. Her solicitor will ignore you. I don't know what a solicitor would advise, because I can't quite work out what your wife has to gain by this sort of tactic. That is why ( having regard to my own experiences ) I wondered whether your wife may be suffering from some kind of mental illness.

If you enter a defence, it forces your wife's solicitor to consider what evidence there is to justify these allegations. If(s)he concludes that there isn't any, then it would be very risky indeed to continue with her proposed course of action.

Another idea you could discuss with your lawyer - that is, you cross petition against HER on the grounds of HER unreasonable behaviour in making these serious allegations against you.

Twenty five years ago I found myself in the same boat as you - except that the allegations were much worse. It ended reasonably well for me. But I would get to a solicitor right away. You can't fight this one alone, sir, believe me.

Mike100468.

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06 Jul 07 #1188 by desi
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Thank you for the advice so far.

I don't have any kids. My wife has not made any contact with me, just through her solicitor to my solicitor. My solicitor is hoping that my wife agrees to remove the allegations of rape and assualt from the petition so it can be a undefended divorce meaning not as much costs.

But it all seems to me that in divorce its all about lies, everyone seems to want each party to say terrible things about the other so the divorce favours them. I had moments in my marriage where i thought my wifes actions were unreasonable but believed they can be overlooked as i wanted my marriage to work.
I always thought our legal system and the courts were about the truth and justice, but what i am finding out is that it doesnt matter how much lies one says, the court is only interested in how quick they can sign off a divorce, NOT are the reasons false, if not prove them and if they cant be proved you cant have a divorce.

I just can't understand when somebody can make such serious alegations against you the best legal advice you are given is agree to the divorce but not to the reasons. That's not justice! Unreasonable behavoiur is a option in divorce that is being abused, to use this it should be something that is of a level that the marriage cant continue and waiting two years is not a option, not my wife goes asleep too early or my husband is on the computer too long, thats a joke. Whatever happened to the marriage vows, through thick & thin, sickness & in health, etc. I love my wife despite whats happened but when one doent what to work things out, theres not much i can do, i just wish if i was to be divorced it would be on real reasons not lies.

I do believe my wife may have something wrong in her head, she is a very insecure person and she was obsesed with me, i believe because of her obsession she tried to part me from my family and keep me to herself and because that didnt happen she tried to destroy me.

The strange thing is she worked for a legal firm.

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06 Jul 07 #1194 by Princess Fiona
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Certainly here in Scotland the reasons of UB and adultery require a strong burden of proof and as a consequence 50% of divorces here are 2 years (now just 1 year) with consent and 25% are 5 years (now 2 years) without consent.

Anyway there's not much point thinking something which you can't change should be different from what it is. :(

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06 Jul 07 #1195 by LittleMrMike
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It is apparent from what you say that you have already been to see a solicitor, and that your solicitor is going to try and negotiate for the removal of the allegations of rape and assault. That is perfectly sensible advice. Solicitors who are members of Resolution will try and make sure that allegations of ' unreasonable behaviour ' are kept low key, and perhaps agreed in advance, so that bitterness is reduced to a minimum.

The reality, unfortunately, is that ever since the days of the Roman empire there have been tensions and disagreements between, on the one hand, those who subscribe to the view that a marriage depends on the agreement of two people to live together, and once that agreement breaks down the marriage is over - and on the other, those who believe, for various reasons, some religious, that divorce ought to be made more difficult, to preserve the " special status " of marriage.

The reality is that it takes two to make a marriage work, and if one spouse is determined to break it, the marriage is dead in the water. In 1996 the then Government put forward a completely new scheme based on the concept of irretrievable breakdown, which brought forth determined opposition from the ' conservatives ' ( both with a small and capital C, I suspect ! ) and in the end the Government chickened out and kept the old ' grounds for divorce ' under another name, The fact is, of course, that the reasons which persuaded the 1996 government to change the law have not gone away, The basic problem is that - unless adultery is a factor - an applicant for divorce has to wait two years, and for many people, that is too long to wait, The only way of making the process shorter is to rely on unreasonable behaviour, when the reality is that the parties have fallen out of love with each other. So the Courts take the view that they will not insist on serious allegations of misbehaviour, and your case perfectly illustrates the reasons why.

I do hope that things can be resolved in a way that removes this slur on your character. I personally would favour divorce by consent, but with a cooling off period built in - not as long as two years ! - to give the parties a time for reflection. Can't see it happening just yet though.

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06 Jul 07 #1209 by desi
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Thank you for everyones advice so far

If i defend the divorce will i end up paying my wife's cost?

Is there anything on the internet that gives good information on defending the divorce?

It seeems so rare to defend a divorce that even solicitors do not have all the knowledge regarding it.

The DC who is investigating the allegation came to see me recently, i showed him all the evidence i have that shows it was all lies and pre-planned. He was very interested, mentioned that once my case is closed he will call my wife in and investigate false allegations wasting police time. He also mentioned that he can provide my solicitor a letter from himself stating that they have found nothing from there investigation against me, would that help in my defence for divorce.

Should i cross-petition on false allegations of assualt and rape?

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