I give up.

Which is another odd thing.

People offer their support freely (thanks) without really knowing who I am or if I am telling the truth about any of this?

Why is that?

and now life is starting to begin to turn around for you soupy because you're not alone anymore you have all your new virtual buddies who are not only in the soupy club with you.They understand how it is better than anyone who has not been through this s...,they will be there for you whatever time of the day or night,they will listen to you whether you say something once or 100 times because you just can't make sense of it.They are your new family and support network there for you when others would walk away.They are there to feel your pain and share it in a way no one else could.

Keep going soupy.
force yourself to get out for a walk.take the dog or borrow one.

because we believe and hope that people who come here are kind warm hearted people, who are experiencing a tragedy in there lives and from their experiences can give hope and advice to help others who have just started out on this long sad road called divorce.
dawn

Soupy,

There are enormous similarities in your situation, and my own.

I am 46
My wife decided that she no longer loved me and there had to be a better life for her going forwards
I have 3 children 16, 13 and 9
I had no desire to split
I worked my socks off to provide for my family, to the detriment of my marriage, as I thought that was what was expected of me. She loved the trappings of my income, but not the effort I had to put in to sustain it.
My wife tells me that she had been telling me for sometime that she wasn't happy, but strangely, I can't remember the specific occasions. Propably interspersed amongst a lot of other things she said over our 23 years together.
I was presented with a fait accomplis. It's over. Not 'What do you think? What could we try to do? Could we try to work things out?'
I tried to get her to change her mind in counselling, but got a closed roller shutter door, a brick wall, surrounded by a barbed wire fence and machine guns, so gave up on it after 3 sessions.
A significant factor was that she told me this 3 days after her 40th birthday. It seems 40 is a very significant milestone for many women, where they re-evaluate where they are and where they perceive their life is going.

So that was 18 months ago. I went through hell for the first 3-6 months. I found Wikivorce, by chance. Some very kind people gave me the kind of support that is being offered to you right now. Why did they do that? Because they cared. Why are they doing it for you now? Becuse they care. No such thing as a free lunch? No, there isn't. But perhaps as the gloom lifts a little and you start to see a way forwards, maybe YOU could be the person that types the immortal lines to be the first to reply to a new members post - 'Welcome to Wikivorce, sorry you are feeling as you are......' Without the kindness, help and support of some excellent people here last July, I would still be verging on some kind of mental illness about it all. Unless you have been through this hell, you have no concept of the breadth and severity of the emotions. And I, like many others here, would not wish that pain on my worst enemy.

What has worked for me?

-Forging a stronger relationship with my children, independant of my wife. Doing Dad things with them that they like, and mum hates. Making special time for each of them.

-Surprising my children with independant thought and actions. Being spontaneous. 'anyone fancy going bowling?' 'Who would like to come for a walk? 'Anyone fancy a picnic?'

-Irritating my soon to be ex-wife by surprising her with my capabilities. Doing things that she never expected me to do. Remembering things that I traditionally forgot. Being ahead of her in planning things like children's birthdays. Making Sunday ROast before she gets in the kitchen, even if she is a better cook than me.

-keeping occupied

-keeping my wider family briefed on how things were, how I was feeling etc. They care and worry, but don't want to interfere. But they also frequently have LOADS of very unhelpful advice and opinion, that is damaging to the relationship that you have to maintain with your ex surrounding the children.

-Finding long lost old friends and getting back in touch. It's amazingly easy to do, and all the people I have contacted have been pleased to hear from me.

-Helping other people here. It is amazing to see someone change dramatically over a period of time.

-Keeping up appearences, especially when the soon to be ex is around. Wearing clothes she didn't like. Buying a flamboyant shirt / tie / bandana / grass skirt, because you KNOW they won't like it. Like a silent protest I guess.

Like you , I thought that a new partner would be the answer to moving on. Registered on a whole load of web sites and pretty soon realised that I was WAY out of my depth and comfort zone. Far far too early to consider something like that. A wild fling maybe, but no more than that. Commitment? ha ha! Trust? equally laughable. It takes time. I realise that now, but not back then.

Hope I have given you some food for thought Soupy. If you want to slip a couple of crisp notes in a brown envelope, I will PM the address to post to.

Mike

hey soupy - chin up!!!!

NEVER believe that people who you work with - you cannot confide in - they will help you - cling on to everyone - tell them your story - in telling it helps heal you.

dont be scared to show your emotions or feelings - and TALK - just go out there and TALK to people - i goto the gym quite a lot .... and spend most of my time just chatting to people - about innane stuff - but dont stop - just keep doing it -

The pain doesnt go away - but it does get numb-er and you feel like you can cope on a day to day basis

I would disagree slightly there. In my case, the pain does go away. Occasionally it pops up unexpectedly and whacks me in the eye but less often. However, the pain was immense and unbearable for a long time. What finally ended it was acceptance. Once you accept you situation, you can start moving forward. And even if you don't yet, try to pretend that you do and start trying to do things you enjoy. Above all, and this is the most important thing I can tell you (though others may disagree), let her think that you are OK with all of this. I know it sounds odd, but the worst thing you can do is to beg her, plead undying love, promise to change, send flowers etc. It just won't work. Be the man that she met. That way, you will find your self respect again and start enjoying your life. It's even possible she may want you back! But don't bank on that; just work on finding out who you are and living again. Be hard to contact and get out and walk, exercise... anything. Maybe buy some new clothes too. You probably lost some weight so you may need some!

Good luck!

We are all with you


Andy

Hi,

I hear what you are saying and have been there myself. My good days now are out-weighing my bad. I am having councilling which really helps. I talk constantly about my feelings. I have sat and wondered how many tablets it would take but I never did. My daughter who is 12 knew how I was feeling and said that if I was not there for her that would make me more selfish than her dad.

I know everyone will tell you this but time is a great healer.. probably the only healer.

I am 8 months into this and I feel like I have been in a living hell. Noone can make you life better for you.. only you can do that.

You are not alone and what you have to remember is that none of us are strong, we just try the best we can. You are no different to me. I am not strong but am still here... taking the shit... hurting... lonely. But it WILL change. I just am not sure when.

CandyW