TV case study - access to kids over Xmas?

There are the cases where they never pass this "phase"and the tragedy is the numbers are growing and nothing is being done to address this.

As primary carer that was terrified of my partner, I was advised by my then sol to accept the access offered and if not I would be denied any contact at all over my first xmas after separation. The fact that I would lose my job over the access that was designed to suit curry nights at his mums and five aside fotball was not given any consideration....and this advise from a female sol with children!!!!

What would I do different if I had the chance.....I would refuse to be kept out of the court in a room all alone and demand that the Judge heard my side....as it appears that he was informed I had agreed to access arrangemebts that cost me my job and allowed my x to get away with this. Who could have helped me....well the £250 and hour useless sol that was too scared to stand up for me.

This is not a gender biased problem and alienated parents could do more to support each other by recognising this.

What would help......acomplete overhaul of the fam law system that is failing our children....these children are the future of our country....god help us ....cos it appears that there is no hope for many of us....male and female alike when faced with a parent hell bent on punishing the other parent for whatever the reason.

There are many parents living a horrendously painful nightmare in the background accused of not wanting to see their children....hope fading with every passing day.....spare a thought for them please.

My stbx offered me a miserly 2 hours whilst she had a hot bath, applied make-up and prepared herself for the christmas luncheon at the Posh Auntie's, she had to keep up with the Jones' all thru our marriage. Anyway my son and I both agreed that we would not see each other on Christmas Day, he felt it cruel as did I that I give him presents he cannot take away (Wii and games) and he cannot play with for more than 2 hrs, he said "what's Point". he is only 9 so not very vocal, but he does know what he doesn't want. My stbx is always accomodating when it suits her. Overhaul the system, I'm with you Elle, it's failing our children.

Perhaps we should put the poem `Weapons' by Clare Kirwan in front of not just the parents but the solicitors. I was shown this by a collaborative family lawyer who shows it to all her clients.

Weapons

Now our marriage is spiralling,

spinning beyond our control

and we have wounded each other

lovelost, bowbroken, ringthrown,

first we used silence as weapons

then we used words and then fists

the arms race was swift and impressive

our hands are now empty, they twist

in the dust. We have thrown

everything away but our anger

and still we have to keep fighting.

But there’s something we can do together:

let’s use the children as infantry,

let’s use the children as spies,

let’s bring them up with the Director’s cut

with spin and with spite and with lies,

let’s use the children as weapons

let’s use the children as snares

we’ll have plenty more years of reprisals

if we make our unhappiness theirs.

By Clare Kirwan

Suzy,

This inability to grasp the concept that there are not always 2 feuding selfish parents that will use the children is damaging in itself.....this poem has to be reserved and not shown to the minority of those suffering in the hope the angry selfish parent gets a grip. The we in this poem does not apply to all....in fact I find it offensive...for example I never used my fists or my children...as I always say...no one size fots all in the world of separation.

Elle

here here Elle.

You're right, the poem is a biting endightment of how SOME parents - usually subconciously and without deliberate malice - use their kids as weapons. It is very easy to do - and I am the first to admit that I have had to police myself very carefully over whether my actions have been 'to protect the children' or to 'maintain some sense of control'. I believe from personal experience that it is the loss of `control' during the break up process, over children and finances and all the rest of it, that can create fear and insecurity. Fear and insecurity do not aid good decision making I find.

There were no fists used during my break up either, but it hurt just the same. Poems are about communication emotion and ideas, and not to be taken literally. I found it deeply moving myself and a reminder to keep weighing up that balance between what is good for me, for my ex, and for my children, and never be complacent that I have got it 'right'.

Elle, I think I may not have fully understood the situation you are talking about which sounds horrendous. The programme makers are looking for access issues that many fathers who are part of Families Need Fathers have suffered (and some mums too of course) that are not grounded in any misbehaviour by either parent towards the children or any `risk', and tend to blow over after a couple of years. What they want to find out is whether it is the lack of support, pressure from friends or society etc that made things worse or better.

If you would like to share what the overhaul of the family law system should focus on, I would be interested in putting that before some of the family lawyers I am working with on SOS and getting their feedback, and perhaps support. I have been told that Resolution is campaigning for better protection for unmarried couples, for example, and these organisations need the passion of people like yourself who want change to provide the ammunition.