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Am I wrong ?

  • tiesys
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04 Sep 07 #2869 by tiesys
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Hi M441,

If you have seen my previous posts, you will see that I am trying to take all points of veiw into consideration so I can make the best (informed), decisions.

The problem I have is that I simply don't agree with the "not telling the children" (aka - lets lie shall we!!!), approach.

I can't believe that pussy footing around is actually better than telling the truth.

I am absolutly adamant that my girls (remember my wife left her son behind despite me begging that the children stay togather), are told the truth.

The fact is my wife got bored with me and put pressure on the marriage; so the result was she hated being with me and wanted to shag this other guy.

What she didn't gamble on was my utter and complete devotion to her.

Now that I know she left me for some other guy, what she can't cope with is the "other" side of me, which is wholely practical and, incredibly descisive.

It's all just a simple legal process from here on in.


My problem is that when I see her (everyday), all I see is this body that I have worshiped for years; but the person inside has changed she may have just as well died.

Mike

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05 Sep 07 #2881 by divwiki
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Hi Mike,
I have to say I agree with Monitor and Chris. You are divorcing your wife not your kids. We've all been down the route of should I tell? and what's wrong with the truth? so I have some idea of what you're going through at this moment. I think you know how much the truth will hurt them right now and that's why you are asking the question rather than acting on impulse. When we are forced into divorce we have a decent side :dry:and a bitter and vengeful side:evil: they ebb and flow, keep an eye on them!

I see absolutely no reason why you should leave her lies unchallenged with your mutual friends though. I tentatively started to challenge what mine was saying to our friends and found them very receptive to hearing the other side, much to my surprise.

  • DandyHighwayMan
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05 Sep 07 #2882 by DandyHighwayMan
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Hi All

I have to disagree that lying to the kids about a new partner is good parenting. Neither is being economic with the truth a form of not lying. I just think its a cop out to make life easier for the person who has a new partner.

Each circumstance is different and you wouldnt go about telling a 4 year old that they have a new mummy/daddy of course, or anything as ridiculous as that for example.

There are ways to do this, you know your own children better than we do and will take the best approach to it I'm sure.

Good Luck whatever you decide.

  • gone1
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05 Sep 07 #2883 by gone1
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Hi Tiesys. I never said you should pussy foot around. Just respond to direct questions. They wont say "Dad what do you think of mums new bf?"

Kids are not daft and they know which side of there bread is buttered. All I am suggesting is that you be honest and succinct. Thats it. If you ex has a new bloke to them thats exciting as they will be wondering what will happen. All you realy need to say is I am your dad and it will stay that way. End off. It aint rocket science. Chris.

  • Monster
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05 Sep 07 #2885 by Monster
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ChrisM wrote:

All you really need to say is I am your dad and it will stay that way. End of. quote]

Hi Tiesys. My impression from your posting is that you don't want to be seen as complicit in your x's interpretation of what went on. I'm going to be put in a similar position in the near future and whilst i will not lie if my daughter asks directly (which I don’t think she will), i'll not volunteer it either. The quote from CM's post above will be my mantra once the sh*t hits the fan and hopefully one day like i hope i can; you can sit with your daughters, with head held high, telling them your version of events. They will see the lies and deceit dished to them by your x and make their own moral judgment.

Good luck in what ever you do, monster:)

  • Tinny
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05 Sep 07 #2886 by Tinny
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Hi Tiesys
Afraid I have to agree with the others.

I too get so frustrated with the lies and half truths. I get so angry because of what I see as the injustice....but I bite my tongue.

Thing is if I tell "my" truth, Ex has "his" truth to counter act mine! There are 2 sides, we have all heard that one but I believe my side is the truth, Ex probably believes his is too.

Does any of this makes any sense? Hope someone can understand it, dont know if I can. :unsure:

Thing is:
I love my kids.
They love their dad.
Hope they love me too.
They need a relationship with both parents.
Why would I hurt them????
Why would I want to ruin their relationships if it makes them happy???

Yes maybe a bit simplistic but its how I feel at the minute. I just wish Ex would adhere to it.

Tiesys - you love your kids. You want the best for them. I would be wary of telling too many "truths" in case they get hurt.

Take care

  • gone1
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05 Sep 07 #2889 by gone1
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Tinny thats daft. There is only 1 truth. Take my ex (take her and dump her off a cliff please!!) she had an affair. Thats the truth. I had an affair(s) for 12 years of a marriage. THats a lie.

Its simple. There is only 1 truth. Someone says different then they are not telling the truth.

Its down to who belives who. Presendent kenedy was killed by the government or he was killed by a nut with a gun. One of these is the truth.

Thing is with my ex kids I wont ever get the chance to tell them the truth. They wouldnt believe it anyway. Mum looks whiter than white whereas I know she is the bad one.

People want to believe that JFK was killed by the goverment. They believe this becuase they hate the government anyway so its all nice and neat. But the truth aint nice and neat and it just dont always fit.

But kids dont realy care about truth. They dont care that mum had an affair. They dont realy care that dad aint there anymore when this new bloke is so funny, exciting, has a fun job and goes and has been so many places. But peoples opionins of each other are fickle. Look at how kids fall into and out of friendships?

If Mr fat coach driver does what I think he will in a few years and starts up all his affairs and rape and pilaging again, then suddenly I will have told the truth and somehow mum lied. But I am gone now. I will be very very long gone by then so they will have hanged the wrong bloke. Guess they carry that guilt around for a bit until they find another sap. Cycle repeat.

Sorry I am digressing again ha ha. What a load of crap. Chris.

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