A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info


What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

What steps can we take to reach a fair agreement?

The four basic steps to reaching an agreement on divorce finances are: disclosure, getting advice, negotiating and implementing a Consent Order.

What is a Consent Order and why do we need one?

A Consent Order is a legally binding document that finalises a divorcing couple's agreement on property, pensions and other assets.


Do you need help sorting out a fair financial settlement?

Our consultant service offers expert advice and support to help you reach agreement on a fair financial settlement quickly, and for less than a quarter of the cost of using a traditional high street solicitor.


Am I wrong ?

  • tiesys
  • tiesys's Avatar Posted by
  • Premium Member
  • Premium Member
More
04 Sep 07 #2833 by tiesys
Topic started by tiesys
My wife of 16 yeas left me in December last year.

For three years we had a bad time with my wife constantly putting pressure on me, citing "my drinking" being the reason for her leaving.

Last month, I found out the real reason, when I was told by a very reliable source that it was common knowledge at work that she had been having an affair at work.

This all blew up and I ended up divorcing her. Her friend tells me nothings going on (liar), she tells me its nothing to do with me who she is sleeping with.

The point I am trying to as I supose is, should I continue to tell my two daughters (who live with her),hat her mum and this man are more than just fiends who happens to be at her house every single day?

I have no problem in understanding that if they want to lie to me there is nothing I can do, but why should I sit back and watch them lie to my kids??

  • gone1
  • gone1's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
04 Sep 07 #2838 by gone1
Reply from gone1
Tiesys. I know this hurts. You have been lied to and decieved. You were divorced under false pretenses and she made you feel bad becuase she was having an affair and she wanted rid of you. Its common mate. If you read my blog then you will see that this happned to me. But in my case it all came out and there little 2 year plan failed.

Number one rule. Dont engage the kids in divorce matters. If you break this rule there is no going back and you will eventualy lose your kids. Keep them out of it.

You feel a lot of hurt and feel betrayed. You probably feel betrayed by your kids that they accept this man into your house and with the women that you loved and were married to for so long. Dont let this hurt damage your relationship with your kids.

Kids are more likely to stick with you when you get old. Someone has to choose your care home and you dont want them putting you into alcatraz do you?

My ex totaly engaged the kids. They were there at all the arguments. They heard all the dirt dished against me. They were probably told lies about me. She did not want to lose the kids. She hated the idea that she would be percieved as the guilty one. So she implemented a scheme to damage my name. And she succeeded. For now. Now I have no ilusions that I will ever see them again. The damage is done and there is no way back. But they are damamged by this. Permanantly. And you reap what you sew. Or another way. Sew the wind reap the whirlwind.

Can you see where this is all going? Dont do the same thing as my wife did. You will damamge your kids and in the long run lose them.

Take your anger out on somthing else. I use aggressive ironing. Try a punch bag or something. But dont engage your kids. Its totaly the wrong thing to do and makes a bad thing worse. Chris.

  • sexysadie
  • sexysadie's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
04 Sep 07 #2842 by sexysadie
Reply from sexysadie
I agree with Chris. Keep your kids out of it as much as possible. Quite apart from anything else, children don't like dealing with their parents' pain and are likely to withdraw from you as a result. It may also be that they aren't themselves ready to accept that the relationship between your ex and this man is anything more than friendship, so if you persistently tell them it is, then this may make them feel so uncomfortable that they stop wanting to see you.

You could also see it this way: by not telling your daughters about the full extent of her new relationship, your ex is protecting them. You might not feel that it is honest, but it is probably good parenting. Do as Chris says and take your anger elsewhere and your children will be happier.

Good luck!

Sadie

  • tiesys
  • tiesys's Avatar Posted by
  • Premium Member
  • Premium Member
More
04 Sep 07 #2847 by tiesys
Reply from tiesys
Thanks for the replies,

Trouble is the truth hurts.

At the height of our breakup, my kids almost lost me for good. When I look back I was being told "it's all your fault" - when in reality my wife was engineering the whole situation, piling the pressure on me hoping to get rid of me one way or another.

If I had have gone, she could easily have said "it's your fault, you left us behind" and moved her new friend in.

I hate liars, if there is on word in the English language that is guaranteed to inflame a situation - it's the word "liar" - particularly when it's true.

I will not let my children be lied to just because it might be seen as "good parenting".

Our 14 year old lad lives with me because she said "he would be better off with you" - liar, what she really meant was, if he comes with me he will find out very quickly about the boyfriend and bring this to a head quicker than she wanted to.

Thr truth may hurt, but once they come round they will be better people.

Thanks

Mike

  • gone1
  • gone1's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
04 Sep 07 #2854 by gone1
Reply from gone1
tiesys wrote:

Thanks for the replies,

Trouble is the truth hurts.

At the height of our breakup, my kids almost lost me for good. When I look back I was being told "it's all your fault" - when in reality my wife was engineering the whole situation, piling the pressure on me hoping to get rid of me one way or another.

If I had have gone, she could easily have said "it's your fault, you left us behind" and moved her new friend in.

I hate liars, if there is on word in the English language that is guaranteed to inflame a situation - it's the word "liar" - particularly when it's true.

I will not let my children be lied to just because it might be seen as "good parenting".

Our 14 year old lad lives with me because she said "he would be better off with you" - liar, what she really meant was, if he comes with me he will find out very quickly about the boyfriend and bring this to a head quicker than she wanted to.

Thr truth may hurt, but once they come round they will be better people.

Thanks

Mike


Hi Mike. Yes the truth does hurt and it always comes out in the end. But no matter what you do things may not turn out like you want them to or expect them to. Who would have thought that you would have been in this predicament a few years ago?

Life has a habit of biting you when you least expect it and in a way you never expected. Thats a good lesson to be learned.

If you believe in the truth then you dont have to do anything. Lies are just that lies. Only respond to direct questions. And only give the information that is asked for. To elaborate is bad.

But I know how you feel. I was in a simular situation myself at one point. I supported mum in what she was doing even though it was bad for me in front of them. I expect my ex saw what I was doing and was having none of it. She rubished me whereas I supported. I tried to do the text book thing but it didnt work. It didnt work becuase she used the other book. The one that is all about her and her survival and her new bloke as dad.

You could be right that she feared that it would all come out to quickly. What she dont know is that kids usualy side with mum and she would probably been OK if he saw her mum happy with the new bloke. Kids love to please and if it pleased her then thats that.

Some women though think that kids are a burden when they are starting a new relationship. My ex's duaghter is a bit clingy. She was 14 at the time and wouldnt let her mum out of her sight. Bit hard when you want to shag your new bloke and you have this 14 year old goosbury by your side all the time. So I got saddled with them to take out etc. I enjoyed it. But it was like dragging a shell around. She didnt want to be with me just mum. Now my ex hated this. She told me "I dont want her with me all the time. I am not letting her ruin my sex life". That is absolutly true. What I am getting at is your ex may think that your son is a threat to her sex life or life in general.

Now I never told my ex's daughter about what her mum said about her. Or all the other things that were said and done. If I had then it would have destroyed any bond I had with the kids. I would not have been believed in any case and anything I said to the kids went straight back. This will happen to you. Kids love to stir the sh1t.

Ok they are gone now anyway. At least I can hold my head up with the knowledge that I had no hand in the demize of the relationship between me and my ex stepkids.

There are more important things than putting the record straight. Chris.

  • tiesys
  • tiesys's Avatar Posted by
  • Premium Member
  • Premium Member
More
04 Sep 07 #2857 by tiesys
Reply from tiesys
Hi Chris,

Thanks for the words.

I think part of my problem is that she lied and deceived not only me and my kids, but also other "freinds" of ours. She has run around telling everyone that will listen that I am some possesive, jealous wife beating drunk and "she could stand no more" - everyone believed her, (even me).

She ruined three Christmas's in a row and eventually decided to go because I wouldn't accept the fact that the marriage was over.

Add to that the fact that she has walked off and left me with about £160k to pay back (very complex story but the fact is I now owe £160k out). I know that this will eventually be all taken into account at the final hearing and with a bit of luck and a following wind I should end up with no debts and cash to spare, but I still have to maintain this on a month by month basis.

All in all, she just hasn't been fair (as if I expected it), and that hurts after being totaly devoted to her for the last 16 years.

Mike

  • Monitor441
  • Monitor441's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
04 Sep 07 #2866 by Monitor441
Reply from Monitor441
Mike.

People who have affairs, lie to cover their tracks. They lie to make out it is other peoples fault and lie about their spouses to make them feel less guilt.

As Chris says the truth will come out eventually. The best piece of advice I was given about my separation was "don't tell the children about their mother's affair. They will be having a tough enough time understanding that their parents are separating, without blaming her for the split". The children will find out when they are older what went on, but at the moment they don't blame either of us.

I have followed this religiously and the children have come through the separation remarkably well so far - it is nine months since the split so there is still a long way to go. They were 10 and 7 when we first told them we were splitting up due to us not "getting on". Our relationship was poor and I was only still with her for the sake of the kids. But their life is so much better than it was as they live in two houses without rows rather than one with rows. We have shared care (50:50) and they live with each parent week on week off. I have rented a house half a mile from the family home: both houses are totally independent with clothes, toys, bikes etc at each house. So they have one life - same school, same friends and same activities but two houses.

Try and follow this and keep the moral high ground. Your children will respect you a lot more for it in the future rather than you telling them their mother is a whore!

Good luck with everything and stand tall, knowing that you haven't done the things she has said

M441

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11