Why Do Women

Exactly, Fiona, you have put it perfectly as usual.

I have no problem with people sounding off about their own situations, and might well do so about mine at some point. I am sympathetic to both ChrisM and Jay's personal situations, as I am to most people's on this forum.

We all know that there are some women and some men who behave unreasonably, probably equal numbers of each. What I find difficult to deal with is postings that either attack a poster personally or state that all or most of one gender behave in particular ways. Just the heading of this thread: 'Why do women' is such a generalisation. 'Why do some women' would be fine, though.

Sadie

Jay, I'm a woman, and I was 'shafted' in my first divorce.

I also lost out on parenting, in favour to some American woman my ex-husband downloaded off the internet.

Eight years on, I have a wonderful relationship with my son. If you do continue to co-parent, I applaud you for staying in contact with your kids. Children do well post-divorce if they don't lose a parent afterwards.

Speaking as a woman, (and I speak from my friends point of view as well), many of my friends feel they have lost themselves and their identities when they've become mothers. Your wife is obviously looking for something that marriage and kids has not provided. Most women feel entirely LOST within the confines of marriage. (By 'lost', I mean a loss of who they were before they had kids). If she is meeting up with someone and 'canoodling' outside the pictures, I think that is her piece of 'self' that she is seeking. (A reason to put lippy on, and feel glamorous, attracive and WANTED again!).

You might not like to hear that, but too many woman are just taken for granted within marriage. For years men have cited their wives disinterest in them, as reasons for affairs. Now woman are also seeking a life beyond marriage / home / kids. I think this is where the bitterness is coming from.

I don't think you need worry that a bloke snogging your wife in the street translates into him wanting to take her on, and your two kids. It usually doesn't mean that!

To you, your children are precious bundles of joy! To another man, (sniffing around your wife) they are a liability that most men don't want.

It's what is commonly known as 'baggage'. Sorry to be so blunt, but there aren't all these men just waiting to fill your shoes (as a dad). Your wife will realise that sooner or later.

It is hard work being a parent, and I did feel when my children were small I had lost some of my identity, but I gained my kids and I would not be without them. My kids grew up and the identity that was lost was returned to me with interest, but my H seems to have had a problem with that, amongst other things.

I could write a long sad and sorry tale of manipulation, cruelty, madness, control and selfishness, and lots of women on this site would recognise the experience. I have managed to escape in one piece and my sanity (just). I do not feel bitter, I know that all human beings are individuals and I don't hate all men. If this site proves anything it is that some men and women are decent human beings who have fallen foul of being in love. To tar 50% of the human race with the same brush because you've had a had experience with one is limiting your own future happiness. Human beings are social creatures by nature and do not want to be alone.

I am not ready for a relationship yet and maybe on my own forever, but I would like to think I am open to possibilites. I am not a stupid fool and will be cautious, I will not be taken advantage of. I can live a fulfilled life on my own, I don't need a man, and that frees me to be really choosy, and where the opposite sex is concerned you can't be choosy enough.

Sera wrote:

Speaking as a woman, (and I speak from my friends point of view as well), many of my friends feel they have lost themselves and their identities when they've become mothers. Your wife is obviously looking for something that marriage and kids has not provided. Most women feel entirely LOST within the confines of marriage. (By 'lost', I mean a loss of who they were before they had kids). If she is meeting up with someone and 'canoodling' outside the pictures, I think that is her piece of 'self' that she is seeking. (A reason to put lippy on, and feel glamorous, attracive and WANTED again!).

You might not like to hear that, but too many woman are just taken for granted within marriage. For years men have cited their wives disinterest in them, as reasons for affairs. Now woman are also seeking a life beyond marriage / home / kids. I think this is where the bitterness is coming from.

I don't think you need worry that a bloke snogging your wife in the street translates into him wanting to take her on, and your two kids. It usually doesn't mean that!

To you, your children are precious bundles of joy! To another man, (sniffing around your wife) they are a liability that most men don't want.

It's what is commonly known as 'baggage'. Sorry to be so blunt, but there aren't all these men just waiting to fill your shoes (as a dad). Your wife will realise that sooner or later.

Thanks Sera,

i agree my wife lost her identity as a mother, but lifes hard i work full-time & then i'm a full-time dad at weekends & most evenings after work.

The going got tough, she gave in, surrendered & blamed me for everything.

Was she thinking of the kids she loved when she had her arms wrapped around the bloke from work who at 32 earns 13.5k per year & lives with his mommy?

3 months ago she bacame a very selfish person, she is suddenly realising the reality & is trying to become freinds again, but there is no way back its gone too far.

I can understand the womens view that she becomes lost in marriage and I have also heard it said that women are taken for granted within mariage. What Jay's wife was doing was being unfaithful. How would you feel if you saw your husband snogging the face off some tart outside the cinema? Totaly gutted. I doubt that you would say "oh well he is lost in the marriage so thats ok".

I believe that marriage vows are sacred. We are all supposed to honor them. I dont think snoging some other bloke outside the flicks is keeping to the vows.

My ex2b was a total bitch. Sorry for the strong language but its true. She drove a great big 40 ton lorry thru the marraige vows. You say that some bloke sniffing around wont be interested in the kids? Thats not true. Colin David Edwards has forsaken his own kids for my stepkids. He has told his own that if they dont accept what he has done they wont see him no more. He has largly turned his back on his own kids for my stepkids.

He is not totaly to blame. My ex2b had a hand in it to. There is so much damage becuase of what those two did. I lost my home and my family and his wife lost her husband of 25 years and both fathers have lost there own kids.

I never treated my exwife2b badly. I loved and respected her and I loved her kids as my own. I lost the lot. Sorry but new age thinking about relationships just dont cut it with me. When you marry its supposed to be for ever. And you take the rough with the smooth. Feeling lost is part of the rough in my book. Chris.

Jay and Chris,
Just to let you both know, I'm on your side! (Regarding the breaking of marriage vows etc), and I'm in agreement that there's no way back. I was just stating the statistic that her actions where because of her dis-satisfaction with her 'lot' in life. (It's not my view, just a point of view I've heard from many woman).

I too take my marriage vows seriously, I too have had the 40-ton lorry driven into my new marriage. And probably because he's met someone else, and wants me out of his pitiful life.

Some people are good folks, some bad folks, (and Jay, your wife blaming you, is what therapists call 'projection').

I'm having all my husbands 'ills' projected onto me.

There's a lot of pain here, but it's NOT a gender related thing. My husband says that I'm still beautiful, artistic, talented and he still loves 80% of me. (What he hates, the 20%, is only the rows, and they only happened AFTER he said he wanted a divorce).

Like your wives, he just decided on another lifestyle, that didn't include me any more, and I got shafted.

We never have anyone elses' agenda in life.

We're all here for the same reasons, we are all victims of mallice and emotional injustice.

We should stand in support of one anothers grief.

I haven't done anything 'wrong' to my husband. I'd never, ever cheat (I've have no reason). He isn't suggesting I've cheated and has no grounds for divorce.

He'll wake up one day, admit he's unwell, and regret it all.