Picture the scene a large hearth with a huge crackling log fire, flames and smoke shooting up the chimney. The warmth is radiated into the room creating a rosy glow for those gathered inside out of the cold. Over the course of the day and well into the night more logs are added to keep the fire alive and providing the heat to keep everyone warm and content.
Later once everyone goes to bed, the ashes continue to smolder, the smoke continues to go up the chimney, invisible to most. Eventually the embers stop glowing and all traces of the fire and smoke are gone. At what stage do you say that the fire has gone out? I know from experience that you can coax a few embers back into life with the right care and attention.
If fire is passion, how can that ever die? Passion is personal and very often it’s ignited by someone else. Passion helps us feel alive and gives us warmth.
In many relationships passion lies dormant, but it never dies – it can’t do as long as the person is breathing. I’m curious about people who blame others for letting their fire go out, for blaming those who seek to have their passionate side fulfilled outside the marriage. Are these one and the same? Is the blamer also the one who seeks elsewhere, or is the blamer the one who in turn is victim to their partner having an affair?
If the intimate side of a relationship is damaged, has been doused with cold water or has just fizzled out due to lack of attention and care, is this a relationship which is working well for both parties? Some couples don’t have strong intimate and passionate needs and for them the sexual side of the relationship is unnecessary.
The key to understanding this is being able to talk about it openly with your partner. If you are mis-matched and one wants it and the other doesn’t, then there’s likely to be a problem. If you used to have a great sex life and now don’t what’s the difference that made the difference and can you change it?
Smoking and smouldering with frustration or annoyance that your partner is either ignoring your needs or is asking too much of you is only going to put the fire out completely. If that’s what you want to happen, then would it be too much to ask of you to be upfront and honest? There are many medical reasons for lack of interest in sex and intimacy, much can be done these days to help. The damage happens when you suffer in silence.
I have yet to meet someone involved as one of the three parts of an affair who can show me a happily married couple. There is always an underlying issue which will act as the starting point of even considering an affair. These issues can be as varied as financial problems, stress, work demands, self esteem, anger, inability to express oneself, resentment, sadness, parental or peer influences to simply wanting to rock the boat. And that isn’t a complete list!
If you want to affair proof your marriage or relationship the key is YOU - how you choose your partner, the way you communicate with your partner and how you behave with your partner. There is no smoke without fire...
